1644
DAY TWELVE: THURSDAY
Oh, the days left are Into the single figures. And yet, it doesn’t seem fair somehow?
Oh, and free love? Yeah, right! But make love, not war - I think you’ll find most men in this town and beyond would be quite happy doing both - some of them probably at the same time. Yet more of them would prefer it non-gender specific. It’s all largely arms, legs, bits and pieces when you really come down to it, you know? At least it is in my experience.
Wait - I may have revealed too much about myself then. Never mind. It’s not like anyone’s actually paying attention, is it? What? You are? Then disregard that last statement. In print you say? Bollocks -
Yes. I think you can take it from that, the Pagans have arrived. Tents, beads, music, ugly naked people, incense - and that’s just what I can see from my bedroom window. Flit is nowhere to be seen this morning. At least that’s alleviated some of the strong odours from around here? I think I’m just going to stay up here all day today. Wait until this horror has gone.
Pagans. Second worse only to Catholics. At least Pagans have some interesting - herbs? All the Catholics have is Transubstantiation. And I have more than enough bread and wine, thank you very much. Talking of bread, I’m hungry. Oh, crap. Flit. Little bastard. This is ridiculous! I’m actually going to have to dress myself! But needs must as the wobbly tummy growls.
You know what? Today, I feel like living dangerously. I’m going to go see what these Pagans are able to provide. Though I have heard they do sacrifice people. Never eaten people before, but there’s a first time for everything, I suppose? I’m told it tastes like pork. Or chicken. Quite frankly it wouldn’t matter to me. Yes, I’m that kind of person. What’s made you think any differently over the last few days, eh?
Look at this? Rubbish strewn all about the place! It’s already piled Flit high. That’ll bring the rodents. And the dogs. Talking of Flit, the little grease ball, I wouldn't be surprised if I see some of that muck on my dinner plate tonight. Still, as long as he washes the worst bits off - Ah, look at this stuff? Solstice this and Solstice that! I tell you, I’m fed up to the back teeth with this bloody Solstice! It’s just one nutcase after another -
“Rector!” And here is it’s chief exponent.
“I’d imagine this makes you happy, lad?” If he was a pig, he would be - wait a minute, I think he already has. Either that, or he slept in a mud pile overnight. Sticks. Please, jump in a lake. And sink.
“They’re here! The Witnesses are here! And they can see them, dancing about, in the fairy circles and the standing stones!” Oh, yeah. Forgot about them. That’s right, we have our own standing stones, from way back before England was a twinkle in some bod’s ambitious eye. This being a strict Puritan land, however, I’m still not sure why they’ve been left standing? Perhaps history outweighs religion? Doesn't matter a buggerly bit to be, of course. It’s a good place to bury stuff, however. Which reminds me -
“Well, it’s been good to speak to you -“ Never mind. It’s like that kid has a bee stuck up his bottom, that stops him standing still for any length of time. However, he has reminded me of that stash I buried up by the standing stones a couple of summers ago. I just hope these dirty Pagans haven't found it. They’ll probably just buy more incense - or beads - or any old rubbish with it. Did you hear that? That’s my stomach complaining. Perhaps I can grab a snack on the way?
Ah, here’s somewhere, and that stuff almost looks like food? It’ll do, “Hello? Can I have one of your -“
“Rector? Of the local Church?” Who’s this now? Don't recognise him - no, wait, isn't that Dewydd Jones, and his wife, Heledd? How bad is your memory? You know? Them from the other day? Who am I talking to?
“Mr Jones? Mrs Jones? Now if you don't mind -“
“We wanted to thank you, Rector.”
“For what?”
“For stopping them Clubmen -“
“Shh! Don’t you know walls have - excuse me - tents have ears?”
“Oh, right, got you! But it was my dear Heledd here who saw something more in you.”
“Really?” I mean, I’ve heard of cuckolding, but -
“Yes. I saw a spirit within you, Rector. A spirit of the Old People.”
“The Old People? I thought -“
“They are fairy people, Rector.” Well, that wasn't what I was thinking.
“Fairy people? Surely we have a more politically correct name for them nowadays?” I always thought so?
“From the netherworld, Rector. From the place where witches and fairies, elves, pixies and the like -“
“You mean ‘Made Up Place’?” For Heaven’s sake! These imaginary worlds!
“Believe it or not, Rector, but a spirit has entered you, and it was upon the longest day that it did slide in -“
“I have to say, all this is sounding quite heretical, not to mention kinky!”
“Even so, Rector, it is a fact. Come! We will take you to Blodwyn, our Priestess. She will tell you the story!”
“But -“ but I want my food! Damn it, I’m hungry! This Blodwyn better have some snacks, I can tell you!
That’s Blodwyn? She looks a little hairy - oh, that’s Blodwyn. Some man was standing in front of her. Damn and blast it! No snacks! Eww! Naked person! Running past!
“Ah, Rector! So good to see one of your faith walking amongst we of the old faith!” I think that was a veiled insult, but I’m too hungry to sarcastically respond. Imagine that!? That’s how hungry I am! Oh, she’s still talking, “There was a time before time, see, when there were people of the old faith who would wander about the land, with abandon and without restriction,” I know. I think I just saw the saggy balls of one of them running past, “And they would speak the words of the Earth, commune with nature and feel their presence all around them. We have lost that insight now, what with technology, wars and the turbulence of nation’s attitude to nation. Some still have it, however. Some still see that which we all once could see. They see the flight of the spirits, both good and bad. This brings me to the story of Festerell Akuter Frone, a one-time High Lord of the world, who controlled vast armies and people of all types, but insisted that this was not enough - that he wanted control over the spirits of the Earth, to make him invulnerable to all. Oh, they built him a castle, and forged him the greatest of armour, created a weapon without compare, but he wanted them, to control them. Frone -“
“I’m - I’m sorry to interrupt, but does anyone happen to have a piece of bread?”
“One minute, Rector. Let me continue. As I said, Frone was ambitious -“
“Or a slice of cheese, perhaps? A handful of cress would suffice?”
“Frone was ambitious, faithless and greedy. He was led by the gold that would accumulate in his Treasury. But he reached too far. He became too ambitious, too greedy. He heard tell of the lauded bones of the Fairy King, Devvus, and became obsessed with them. This wasn't his only crime, however, because -“
“Look, I hate to keep interrupting, but I have one or two issues - firstly, what in buggery has this story got to do with me, and secondly, has no one got anything to eat? I mean, a slightly poisonous berry would take the edge off right now -“
“Rector, I relay this story for one especial reason. And I will get to that in a moment or two. So Frone sent out Soldiers to steal this set of bones. See, Frone had insulted too many people, took from the rest, so that when he killed the Guardian and took the bones of the Fairy King, which glowed and glowed for ever more, and hid them away, he angered those spirits who praised them, in the Hovel of the Faithful Rhymes. You see, because of who you are, deep down, really deep down, upon the Solstice, the planets aligned, the prophecies were fulfilled and the sheep gave birth to the pig - the fleeing spirit of Festerell Akuter Frone entered you, to complete his tasks. You do indeed have glowing bones, do you not?”
“Yes. Sort of. Well, actually it was Flit -“
“It matters not. They are in your possession, I take it?”
“Yes?”
“Then your time may surely be up. Look to the east, upon the Hill, not nine days hence, when the signs say, like Frone, you shall be stretched to death by -“
“Right! That’s enough of that! What bollocks! What, is this some kind of ploy? Some trick? Look, I know every sodding trick in the book! The Old Legend? I was doing that shit when you were bathing in your first barrel of patchouli!”
“Sit! Please! Head the warnings, Rector! They come for you!”
“Look, I hear enough of that crap on a daily basis from Sticks - young Raymond Letty! Fairy King, my arse!” What utter rot! I mean, I usually keep my mouth shut, but this is ridiculous! And on an empty stomach!
“Rector, listen to me. It may be a story, yes. But history has a habit of repeating, does it not?” I’m not listening now. Silly cow. I want food. I’m going. Drunk old sow. Who’s this now?
“I’m sorry if I offended you, Rector?”
“Oh, Mr Jones, it’s not your fault, probably. But I haven't had breakfast, and I’m very grumpy until I’ve had something to eat.” Well, that much is true.
“But you must agree, what with the odd occurrences, the battle that came to our door?”
“And the loss of all my new breeches - I know, it is odd, but this is Vaxham, kid. Everything's bloody odd here.”
“Just - please just heed her words - Blodwyn’s? She has a gift.”
“I just want to know how she knows so much about - oh, never mind. I think I’ve figured it out. I’ll leave you then, Mr Jones!” I knew it! I bloody knew it! Flit! Oh, I’m going to skin him, then make him eat it! Yes, I just saw that diseased head poking out of that mad woman’s tent! That little -
You know, I wonder if any of this is true? Yes, yes, I know, it’s the ravings of a mad woman, but there are some things that’ve happened recently that would make it hard to argue against a hypothesis such as that. Glowing bones for one. How did Flit get them to glow? He did say when he took them, there was some talk of the Solstice then, how they had been affected by the - Listen to me? I’m beginning to sound like one of them now! Next thing you know, I’ll throw my clothes off and dance around - Food! Must get that food!
Eww! Lentils and beans! Oh for Christ’s - well, I suppose I have no choice? Tastes of - quite honestly, it tastes of paste. But it’s food - almost. Still, this crap has been going on since neolithic times, so perhaps there’s some merit in it - just stop it, Wilfred! You’re going to make yourself ill! Well, more ill than this pulse soup is currently making you, but at least you can be assured it’ll come back up the same way it went down, so -
“This your doing, Posster?” Oh, for the love of -
“Jimmy Boots. Didn’t think this was your kind of thing?”
“Oh, everyone needs a little help every now and then. Besides, they have this special kind of herb -“
“You’re not here for, I don't know, my kneecaps or anything then?” That laugh! Like a gust of wind flapping a leather tent opening! Certainly not for the faint of heart.
“No, good little Posster. You’ve become quite the regular payer of late, I see. Keep it up, okay?”
“I - intend to?” See, you never really know where you are with a Roundabout, particularly Jimmy Boots here.
“I heard that woman telling your story. Interesting, to say the least.”
“It’s utter nonsense!”
Either he’s smiling or - actually I don't want to know, “Hmm? You sure? I hear a few similarities to you, Posster. And that greed stuff? Certainly sounds like you, doesn't it? I mean, from where you’ve come from -“ Okay, why did he leave that hanging? What does he know of my past? Oh, God! What if - no, he can’t know about - “Well, can’t stand around here all day, gossiping. People to see - you know how it goes?” Yes I do.
Oh God. I’ve been so careful. I’ve hidden my past so deeply, and - the standing stones! I forgot the other thing I buried there! Does this mean - oh, I’ve got to get there now -
Nah, not really! Oh, you should’ve seen the look on your face! As if I’d be that stupid and careless! Sheesh! No, that stuff is - well, it’s somewhere. That’s all you need to know.
Whatever this spirit stuff is, I don't know. Could be real. Could be hokum. Could be a con. There is, of course, only one way of finding out. And now I’ve eaten, it’s time to take back control. Where was that daft old cow again? Oh, that’s right. Over there. Just shows you how stupid I can be without food in me. For which Flit will pay - at least twice.
You know, this is the strangest sight of all? Is it just me, or is there an abundance of Soldiers wandering around the camp? Like oil and water, I would’ve thought. I mean, anywhere else, these two peoples would be at each others throats - metaphorically for one side, of course. Can’t promote a warless world while kicking seven shades of shit out of a Soldier, eh? But, there is hypocrisy everywhere, so it really wouldn’t surprise me.
“Here! Drink this!” Wow! She’s got a cracking pair of - eyes! And her tits aren't bad either! What is this? Smells - actually it smells rank, but when a beautiful, naked woman hands you a drink, you bloody well drink it! Aww. Where is she goinging? Wait, did I just say goinging? There’s no such wubblerd. Whasabubbleubblebubble? Crasp! Whabuts happenining? I think that nakeded wooblun spiked my drinkle! Wharra blitch! Shibblit!
“Hebblo again, Blodywoddywin! Juss lemme flop at yer feeble teet -“
Okay, that was weird? Almost like my mouth forgot how to form words! I think I’m better now. Wait. That doesn't look right. Why is the sky green? Has it always been green, and I’d just not noticed before? And that’s - that’s a purple tree. Hmm. Trees aren't purple, are they?
“Well, well. If it isn't little Willie!” Who said that? It was too masculine to be one of my exes. I don’t recognise him? “Just tell me, is it safe?”
“Is what safe?”
“The remains of Devvus, of course! They still seek them! They still seek the bones of the Fairy King!”
“Wait - you’re not related to Sticks, are you? I mean, if you are, it would be a great relief for me -“
“All I know is they are close! They want them back! But you can’t let them! You can’t! For they have plans beyond our understanding!”
“Alright, nutter. I’ll just get onto that right now -“
“You don’t know who I am, do you?”
“Well, I’m guessing a Pagan looney with a penchant for the dramatic?”
“I am Festerell Akuter Frone.”
“Yeah. Sure. Of course you are! I mean, as soon as I saw you, I thought, ‘there’s that fictional person from that fictional story the daft old woman made up for some reason to’ -“
“I am he. I am that King amongst Kings, that Lord of Lords - I am he whom -“
“No, you’re not. Besides, isn't that King and Lord stuff what Christ said? Well, I’m pretty sure I read it somewhere -“
“I know not of this Christ. I am he who spread over the world, conquering the seven oceans, while -“
“You sure? Because it still sounds alot like Him?”
“I’m sure. Look, we’re getting off the point here. You need to keep those bones from their fingers! The spirits come for them and -“
“Right, well, if you are the bod from that story, how come you’re trying to persuade me to keep them from the spirits? I mean, that bloke from that story was a greedy, horrible narcissist, with delusions of grandeur, and - oh.” Well, shut my mouth, why don't you!
“I am unsure if this spirit sword actually inflicts wounds, but I’m willing to give it a bloody go! Look, whatever name you give yourself, be it Posster this day, or -“
“Let’s leave it there, eh?”
“Right, well, bloody listen then! I’m fed up with you bloody Carriers! Too bloody weak, the lot of you! But at least the others all did their duty, kept shut and sodding well listened!”
“Ooh. Touchy, aren't we?”
“You would be if you were in bloody spirit form for as long as I’ve been! Oh, the insurmountable crap I’ve seen! The pathetic wastrels! The Monarchs and Lords -“
“I take it you have a point?”
“Oh, let me vent! It’s been too long, and the Guardian’s job is never done!”
“Guardian? I thought you had him killed?”
“Keep up, you prong! I am the Guardian! It’s the spirits that are after the bones! Get it now?”
“Alright, alright. No need to get so tetchy. I mean, I started this day hungry and pissed off, then I hear a story that sounds ridiculous - no offence - then this bird gives me a drugged drink, and I end up talking to a fictional character -“
“You have no idea how long it takes to set up something like that, do you?! I mean centuries! This person has to beget this one, and so on! Oh, you ungrateful lot! Do you not realise how dangerous all this is? Well I’ll tell you, shall I?”
“Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I get it. You want me to continue to protect the bones of - erm -“
“Devvus, the Fairy King, yes!”
“Okay. Uhm, I don’t know - well - so what is it you actually want me to do, exactly?”
“Listen to me - they come! The spirits have been coming and continue to come! Once the spirit of Effervescence brought forth the glowing bones of -“
“Wait, you’re telling me Flit is the spirit of Effervescence?! Now I know you’re bullshitting me!”
“Do not be fooled by his - ah, dank, dirty, mouldy, erm - exterior. As you have my spirit within you, so does he have the spirit of Effervescence in him.”
“I bet that spirit’s regretting its choice of host right now.”
“That’s as maybe, but be on your guard. It is of no coincidence that war found itself at your doorstep around the same time as I entered you. The spirits gather the wretched, the condemned, the unfulfilled -“
“The greasy, ugly naked people? Sorry, just joining in.”
“You will be thankful for the day I warned you, Posster. Now, I return you to your own mind. But why you should want to is beyond me.”
“Watch it, you cheeky cu -“
“Rector? Are you alright? Rector?” Hmm. Sounds familiar, lilting and - oh bugger. Trish Treyne. And she’s naked. Good job I’m not still hungry or I would lose my appetite.
“She caught you as you fell, Rector.” Ah, there’s the voice I expected to hear. Blodwyn.
“Yes, Trish has a habit of hearing a purse fall at a thousand yards, even if it’s still in the pocket of the gentleman.” I should sit up, before I sink without trace into the quicksand that is Trish’s plump naked folds.
“Productive, was it?” If I didn't know better, I’d say that Blodwyn was hiding a smile. Not hard on her face, considering that huge mole with all the hair poking through it. I mean, her moustache is longer than mine.
“The lying in Trish’s lap, or -“
“You know to what I refer, Rector.”
“Hmm. I’d rather not say.”
“I understand. I hope it was useful, however.” You know, I want to say something, but there’s a part of me that just wants to race back to the Church and make sure those bones are still there? Quite frankly, as I’d imagine you understand - it’s better to be cautious and be wrong than ignorant and get your arse singed by some vengeful spirits with a penchant for generation upon generation of manipulation and torture, just for some silly Fairy King’s bones? Just listen to yourself, Wilfred! Fairies? Spirits? I mean, you’ll be talking about a big man in the sky watching over people next! Ohh -
Well, whatever happens, I’m still going to tan that Flit’s arse, regardless of what sodding spirit he has up his proverbial! By the time I’ve finished with him, he’s going to be glowing, never mind effervescent -
Oh, the days left are Into the single figures. And yet, it doesn’t seem fair somehow?
Oh, and free love? Yeah, right! But make love, not war - I think you’ll find most men in this town and beyond would be quite happy doing both - some of them probably at the same time. Yet more of them would prefer it non-gender specific. It’s all largely arms, legs, bits and pieces when you really come down to it, you know? At least it is in my experience.
Wait - I may have revealed too much about myself then. Never mind. It’s not like anyone’s actually paying attention, is it? What? You are? Then disregard that last statement. In print you say? Bollocks -
Yes. I think you can take it from that, the Pagans have arrived. Tents, beads, music, ugly naked people, incense - and that’s just what I can see from my bedroom window. Flit is nowhere to be seen this morning. At least that’s alleviated some of the strong odours from around here? I think I’m just going to stay up here all day today. Wait until this horror has gone.
Pagans. Second worse only to Catholics. At least Pagans have some interesting - herbs? All the Catholics have is Transubstantiation. And I have more than enough bread and wine, thank you very much. Talking of bread, I’m hungry. Oh, crap. Flit. Little bastard. This is ridiculous! I’m actually going to have to dress myself! But needs must as the wobbly tummy growls.
You know what? Today, I feel like living dangerously. I’m going to go see what these Pagans are able to provide. Though I have heard they do sacrifice people. Never eaten people before, but there’s a first time for everything, I suppose? I’m told it tastes like pork. Or chicken. Quite frankly it wouldn’t matter to me. Yes, I’m that kind of person. What’s made you think any differently over the last few days, eh?
Look at this? Rubbish strewn all about the place! It’s already piled Flit high. That’ll bring the rodents. And the dogs. Talking of Flit, the little grease ball, I wouldn't be surprised if I see some of that muck on my dinner plate tonight. Still, as long as he washes the worst bits off - Ah, look at this stuff? Solstice this and Solstice that! I tell you, I’m fed up to the back teeth with this bloody Solstice! It’s just one nutcase after another -
“Rector!” And here is it’s chief exponent.
“I’d imagine this makes you happy, lad?” If he was a pig, he would be - wait a minute, I think he already has. Either that, or he slept in a mud pile overnight. Sticks. Please, jump in a lake. And sink.
“They’re here! The Witnesses are here! And they can see them, dancing about, in the fairy circles and the standing stones!” Oh, yeah. Forgot about them. That’s right, we have our own standing stones, from way back before England was a twinkle in some bod’s ambitious eye. This being a strict Puritan land, however, I’m still not sure why they’ve been left standing? Perhaps history outweighs religion? Doesn't matter a buggerly bit to be, of course. It’s a good place to bury stuff, however. Which reminds me -
“Well, it’s been good to speak to you -“ Never mind. It’s like that kid has a bee stuck up his bottom, that stops him standing still for any length of time. However, he has reminded me of that stash I buried up by the standing stones a couple of summers ago. I just hope these dirty Pagans haven't found it. They’ll probably just buy more incense - or beads - or any old rubbish with it. Did you hear that? That’s my stomach complaining. Perhaps I can grab a snack on the way?
Ah, here’s somewhere, and that stuff almost looks like food? It’ll do, “Hello? Can I have one of your -“
“Rector? Of the local Church?” Who’s this now? Don't recognise him - no, wait, isn't that Dewydd Jones, and his wife, Heledd? How bad is your memory? You know? Them from the other day? Who am I talking to?
“Mr Jones? Mrs Jones? Now if you don't mind -“
“We wanted to thank you, Rector.”
“For what?”
“For stopping them Clubmen -“
“Shh! Don’t you know walls have - excuse me - tents have ears?”
“Oh, right, got you! But it was my dear Heledd here who saw something more in you.”
“Really?” I mean, I’ve heard of cuckolding, but -
“Yes. I saw a spirit within you, Rector. A spirit of the Old People.”
“The Old People? I thought -“
“They are fairy people, Rector.” Well, that wasn't what I was thinking.
“Fairy people? Surely we have a more politically correct name for them nowadays?” I always thought so?
“From the netherworld, Rector. From the place where witches and fairies, elves, pixies and the like -“
“You mean ‘Made Up Place’?” For Heaven’s sake! These imaginary worlds!
“Believe it or not, Rector, but a spirit has entered you, and it was upon the longest day that it did slide in -“
“I have to say, all this is sounding quite heretical, not to mention kinky!”
“Even so, Rector, it is a fact. Come! We will take you to Blodwyn, our Priestess. She will tell you the story!”
“But -“ but I want my food! Damn it, I’m hungry! This Blodwyn better have some snacks, I can tell you!
That’s Blodwyn? She looks a little hairy - oh, that’s Blodwyn. Some man was standing in front of her. Damn and blast it! No snacks! Eww! Naked person! Running past!
“Ah, Rector! So good to see one of your faith walking amongst we of the old faith!” I think that was a veiled insult, but I’m too hungry to sarcastically respond. Imagine that!? That’s how hungry I am! Oh, she’s still talking, “There was a time before time, see, when there were people of the old faith who would wander about the land, with abandon and without restriction,” I know. I think I just saw the saggy balls of one of them running past, “And they would speak the words of the Earth, commune with nature and feel their presence all around them. We have lost that insight now, what with technology, wars and the turbulence of nation’s attitude to nation. Some still have it, however. Some still see that which we all once could see. They see the flight of the spirits, both good and bad. This brings me to the story of Festerell Akuter Frone, a one-time High Lord of the world, who controlled vast armies and people of all types, but insisted that this was not enough - that he wanted control over the spirits of the Earth, to make him invulnerable to all. Oh, they built him a castle, and forged him the greatest of armour, created a weapon without compare, but he wanted them, to control them. Frone -“
“I’m - I’m sorry to interrupt, but does anyone happen to have a piece of bread?”
“One minute, Rector. Let me continue. As I said, Frone was ambitious -“
“Or a slice of cheese, perhaps? A handful of cress would suffice?”
“Frone was ambitious, faithless and greedy. He was led by the gold that would accumulate in his Treasury. But he reached too far. He became too ambitious, too greedy. He heard tell of the lauded bones of the Fairy King, Devvus, and became obsessed with them. This wasn't his only crime, however, because -“
“Look, I hate to keep interrupting, but I have one or two issues - firstly, what in buggery has this story got to do with me, and secondly, has no one got anything to eat? I mean, a slightly poisonous berry would take the edge off right now -“
“Rector, I relay this story for one especial reason. And I will get to that in a moment or two. So Frone sent out Soldiers to steal this set of bones. See, Frone had insulted too many people, took from the rest, so that when he killed the Guardian and took the bones of the Fairy King, which glowed and glowed for ever more, and hid them away, he angered those spirits who praised them, in the Hovel of the Faithful Rhymes. You see, because of who you are, deep down, really deep down, upon the Solstice, the planets aligned, the prophecies were fulfilled and the sheep gave birth to the pig - the fleeing spirit of Festerell Akuter Frone entered you, to complete his tasks. You do indeed have glowing bones, do you not?”
“Yes. Sort of. Well, actually it was Flit -“
“It matters not. They are in your possession, I take it?”
“Yes?”
“Then your time may surely be up. Look to the east, upon the Hill, not nine days hence, when the signs say, like Frone, you shall be stretched to death by -“
“Right! That’s enough of that! What bollocks! What, is this some kind of ploy? Some trick? Look, I know every sodding trick in the book! The Old Legend? I was doing that shit when you were bathing in your first barrel of patchouli!”
“Sit! Please! Head the warnings, Rector! They come for you!”
“Look, I hear enough of that crap on a daily basis from Sticks - young Raymond Letty! Fairy King, my arse!” What utter rot! I mean, I usually keep my mouth shut, but this is ridiculous! And on an empty stomach!
“Rector, listen to me. It may be a story, yes. But history has a habit of repeating, does it not?” I’m not listening now. Silly cow. I want food. I’m going. Drunk old sow. Who’s this now?
“I’m sorry if I offended you, Rector?”
“Oh, Mr Jones, it’s not your fault, probably. But I haven't had breakfast, and I’m very grumpy until I’ve had something to eat.” Well, that much is true.
“But you must agree, what with the odd occurrences, the battle that came to our door?”
“And the loss of all my new breeches - I know, it is odd, but this is Vaxham, kid. Everything's bloody odd here.”
“Just - please just heed her words - Blodwyn’s? She has a gift.”
“I just want to know how she knows so much about - oh, never mind. I think I’ve figured it out. I’ll leave you then, Mr Jones!” I knew it! I bloody knew it! Flit! Oh, I’m going to skin him, then make him eat it! Yes, I just saw that diseased head poking out of that mad woman’s tent! That little -
You know, I wonder if any of this is true? Yes, yes, I know, it’s the ravings of a mad woman, but there are some things that’ve happened recently that would make it hard to argue against a hypothesis such as that. Glowing bones for one. How did Flit get them to glow? He did say when he took them, there was some talk of the Solstice then, how they had been affected by the - Listen to me? I’m beginning to sound like one of them now! Next thing you know, I’ll throw my clothes off and dance around - Food! Must get that food!
Eww! Lentils and beans! Oh for Christ’s - well, I suppose I have no choice? Tastes of - quite honestly, it tastes of paste. But it’s food - almost. Still, this crap has been going on since neolithic times, so perhaps there’s some merit in it - just stop it, Wilfred! You’re going to make yourself ill! Well, more ill than this pulse soup is currently making you, but at least you can be assured it’ll come back up the same way it went down, so -
“This your doing, Posster?” Oh, for the love of -
“Jimmy Boots. Didn’t think this was your kind of thing?”
“Oh, everyone needs a little help every now and then. Besides, they have this special kind of herb -“
“You’re not here for, I don't know, my kneecaps or anything then?” That laugh! Like a gust of wind flapping a leather tent opening! Certainly not for the faint of heart.
“No, good little Posster. You’ve become quite the regular payer of late, I see. Keep it up, okay?”
“I - intend to?” See, you never really know where you are with a Roundabout, particularly Jimmy Boots here.
“I heard that woman telling your story. Interesting, to say the least.”
“It’s utter nonsense!”
Either he’s smiling or - actually I don't want to know, “Hmm? You sure? I hear a few similarities to you, Posster. And that greed stuff? Certainly sounds like you, doesn't it? I mean, from where you’ve come from -“ Okay, why did he leave that hanging? What does he know of my past? Oh, God! What if - no, he can’t know about - “Well, can’t stand around here all day, gossiping. People to see - you know how it goes?” Yes I do.
Oh God. I’ve been so careful. I’ve hidden my past so deeply, and - the standing stones! I forgot the other thing I buried there! Does this mean - oh, I’ve got to get there now -
Nah, not really! Oh, you should’ve seen the look on your face! As if I’d be that stupid and careless! Sheesh! No, that stuff is - well, it’s somewhere. That’s all you need to know.
Whatever this spirit stuff is, I don't know. Could be real. Could be hokum. Could be a con. There is, of course, only one way of finding out. And now I’ve eaten, it’s time to take back control. Where was that daft old cow again? Oh, that’s right. Over there. Just shows you how stupid I can be without food in me. For which Flit will pay - at least twice.
You know, this is the strangest sight of all? Is it just me, or is there an abundance of Soldiers wandering around the camp? Like oil and water, I would’ve thought. I mean, anywhere else, these two peoples would be at each others throats - metaphorically for one side, of course. Can’t promote a warless world while kicking seven shades of shit out of a Soldier, eh? But, there is hypocrisy everywhere, so it really wouldn’t surprise me.
“Here! Drink this!” Wow! She’s got a cracking pair of - eyes! And her tits aren't bad either! What is this? Smells - actually it smells rank, but when a beautiful, naked woman hands you a drink, you bloody well drink it! Aww. Where is she goinging? Wait, did I just say goinging? There’s no such wubblerd. Whasabubbleubblebubble? Crasp! Whabuts happenining? I think that nakeded wooblun spiked my drinkle! Wharra blitch! Shibblit!
“Hebblo again, Blodywoddywin! Juss lemme flop at yer feeble teet -“
#
Okay, that was weird? Almost like my mouth forgot how to form words! I think I’m better now. Wait. That doesn't look right. Why is the sky green? Has it always been green, and I’d just not noticed before? And that’s - that’s a purple tree. Hmm. Trees aren't purple, are they?
“Well, well. If it isn't little Willie!” Who said that? It was too masculine to be one of my exes. I don’t recognise him? “Just tell me, is it safe?”
“Is what safe?”
“The remains of Devvus, of course! They still seek them! They still seek the bones of the Fairy King!”
“Wait - you’re not related to Sticks, are you? I mean, if you are, it would be a great relief for me -“
“All I know is they are close! They want them back! But you can’t let them! You can’t! For they have plans beyond our understanding!”
“Alright, nutter. I’ll just get onto that right now -“
“You don’t know who I am, do you?”
“Well, I’m guessing a Pagan looney with a penchant for the dramatic?”
“I am Festerell Akuter Frone.”
“Yeah. Sure. Of course you are! I mean, as soon as I saw you, I thought, ‘there’s that fictional person from that fictional story the daft old woman made up for some reason to’ -“
“I am he. I am that King amongst Kings, that Lord of Lords - I am he whom -“
“No, you’re not. Besides, isn't that King and Lord stuff what Christ said? Well, I’m pretty sure I read it somewhere -“
“I know not of this Christ. I am he who spread over the world, conquering the seven oceans, while -“
“You sure? Because it still sounds alot like Him?”
“I’m sure. Look, we’re getting off the point here. You need to keep those bones from their fingers! The spirits come for them and -“
“Right, well, if you are the bod from that story, how come you’re trying to persuade me to keep them from the spirits? I mean, that bloke from that story was a greedy, horrible narcissist, with delusions of grandeur, and - oh.” Well, shut my mouth, why don't you!
“I am unsure if this spirit sword actually inflicts wounds, but I’m willing to give it a bloody go! Look, whatever name you give yourself, be it Posster this day, or -“
“Let’s leave it there, eh?”
“Right, well, bloody listen then! I’m fed up with you bloody Carriers! Too bloody weak, the lot of you! But at least the others all did their duty, kept shut and sodding well listened!”
“Ooh. Touchy, aren't we?”
“You would be if you were in bloody spirit form for as long as I’ve been! Oh, the insurmountable crap I’ve seen! The pathetic wastrels! The Monarchs and Lords -“
“I take it you have a point?”
“Oh, let me vent! It’s been too long, and the Guardian’s job is never done!”
“Guardian? I thought you had him killed?”
“Keep up, you prong! I am the Guardian! It’s the spirits that are after the bones! Get it now?”
“Alright, alright. No need to get so tetchy. I mean, I started this day hungry and pissed off, then I hear a story that sounds ridiculous - no offence - then this bird gives me a drugged drink, and I end up talking to a fictional character -“
“You have no idea how long it takes to set up something like that, do you?! I mean centuries! This person has to beget this one, and so on! Oh, you ungrateful lot! Do you not realise how dangerous all this is? Well I’ll tell you, shall I?”
“Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I get it. You want me to continue to protect the bones of - erm -“
“Devvus, the Fairy King, yes!”
“Okay. Uhm, I don’t know - well - so what is it you actually want me to do, exactly?”
“Listen to me - they come! The spirits have been coming and continue to come! Once the spirit of Effervescence brought forth the glowing bones of -“
“Wait, you’re telling me Flit is the spirit of Effervescence?! Now I know you’re bullshitting me!”
“Do not be fooled by his - ah, dank, dirty, mouldy, erm - exterior. As you have my spirit within you, so does he have the spirit of Effervescence in him.”
“I bet that spirit’s regretting its choice of host right now.”
“That’s as maybe, but be on your guard. It is of no coincidence that war found itself at your doorstep around the same time as I entered you. The spirits gather the wretched, the condemned, the unfulfilled -“
“The greasy, ugly naked people? Sorry, just joining in.”
“You will be thankful for the day I warned you, Posster. Now, I return you to your own mind. But why you should want to is beyond me.”
“Watch it, you cheeky cu -“
#
“She caught you as you fell, Rector.” Ah, there’s the voice I expected to hear. Blodwyn.
“Yes, Trish has a habit of hearing a purse fall at a thousand yards, even if it’s still in the pocket of the gentleman.” I should sit up, before I sink without trace into the quicksand that is Trish’s plump naked folds.
“Productive, was it?” If I didn't know better, I’d say that Blodwyn was hiding a smile. Not hard on her face, considering that huge mole with all the hair poking through it. I mean, her moustache is longer than mine.
“The lying in Trish’s lap, or -“
“You know to what I refer, Rector.”
“Hmm. I’d rather not say.”
“I understand. I hope it was useful, however.” You know, I want to say something, but there’s a part of me that just wants to race back to the Church and make sure those bones are still there? Quite frankly, as I’d imagine you understand - it’s better to be cautious and be wrong than ignorant and get your arse singed by some vengeful spirits with a penchant for generation upon generation of manipulation and torture, just for some silly Fairy King’s bones? Just listen to yourself, Wilfred! Fairies? Spirits? I mean, you’ll be talking about a big man in the sky watching over people next! Ohh -
Well, whatever happens, I’m still going to tan that Flit’s arse, regardless of what sodding spirit he has up his proverbial! By the time I’ve finished with him, he’s going to be glowing, never mind effervescent -
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